Flashback

I have realized that becoming a wife, mother and military spouse has actually not been as easy as I thought it would be...

Let me start back a bit...when Zach and I started dating I knew he was going into the military, it wasn't something that he decided one day and then left. So I knew it was coming, but 'out of sight, out of mind' was the case here. The time seemed to go by very fast and before I knew it we were on our way to Austin to send him off to boot camp. This would be the ultimate test of our relationship. After having lived together for a few months, and moved once, we would now be apart for a month...and not just apart, but we would have no contact except letters. Who writes letters anymore?! So every day I would write out a list of things I did and keep them for a week, sending a giant package of letters and pictures (even qtips, which were confiscated!) and every now and then I would get a letter from Zach. The first letters I sent daily were returned, since the address we had been given wasn't the right address. So I get a letter from Zach two weeks in, FINALLY, where he is so sad and depressed sounding. None of my letters had gotten to him, and he was freaking out that I was breaking up with him or just didn't care enough to write him. This broke my heart, since I knew I was sending them. Once they were returned, I realized what had happened, and then it would be another three days before he got those letters. All the while I wished I could just call him and say, "they are on their way". I missed him so much that I would even call his phone and leave a voice mail, just to have that feeling of no contact lessened. While he was gone, I moped around the house, not knowing what to do. There was no one to talk to any more, no one to watch movies with, no one to fall asleep on...well except the five cats. After about three weeks I decided I needed to keep going, as if nothing had changed. Chin up, right. So I started to go out again with friends who had been neglected since Zach and I started dating, I went back to frisbee, and with all my other free time I started going to the gym. By the time his graduation was here, and I was in Chicago with him...it was so surreal! He saw us and didn't really smile or anything. He just wanted to get out of the base and into the real world. But, that was hard to deal with, having all these emotions of excitement and anticipation, just to be ushered out of the hanger where graduation was. But that was really ok, we had an entire weekend together. One day with his mother and sister and me, and the next two days just me and him! We had planned to meet up with some of my Ohio friends to have them meet him and hang out in Chicago. Well we find out that he has to go back to the base 4 hours after he leaves. Which was no big deal, sad, but no big deal. He and I would be hanging out the rest of the weekend together...until I got a call at midnight saying he is heading to the airport right then, and leaving for A-school right away. The airport was over an hour away, and we were barely going to make it, if we left right then!! The drive to the airport was such a blur, I just remember leaning forward in my seat hoping that that would help us get there faster, as if I were propelling the car forward. We get there and Dana, his sister and I jump out, and run inside. We were lucky and since he had orders for A-school we got to go through the security gate with him and wait for his plane at the terminal! While waiting, Debbie was finding parking, and we met Jamie Lee Curtis! Again a super surreal moment!! And then he was gone again, just like that. The rest of the weekend is another story for another time...let's just say it was crazy!
A-school was in Pensacola, Florida and he was going to be there for 6 months, and then who knew where he was going. Boot camp was romantic, even if it was hard to deal with, writing letters was the sweetest thing we've ever done. A-school was a completely different ball game. After having no freedom for what seemed like an eternity, Zach now had some freedoms. The freedoms increased as the weeks went by, to getting his cell phone back, leaving base, being able to stay off base for a weekend, getting to go home for a day or two on the weekend if it was close enough, to getting to have a car, and wearing civilian clothes. Which is asking for trouble in my opinion. Zach would tell me stories about some of the guys he was hanging out with...and there was some pretty deplorable activities going on. And of course I trusted Zach, but in the back of my mind I was worrying about all the trouble he could be getting into. It was like he was turning back into this party animal, going out and drinking frat boy style every weekend. This is the first time a lot of the guys had money, and they were blowing it by doing guy things. And so I think A-school was the hardest for me to handle. Especially now that he had a phone and I knew I could call him and text him whenever. But I became 'one of those girls' texting all the time to check up on him, and asking him to tell me if he was going out and all that crazy stuff. It was like I finally had him back, but I didn't at all. I was driving him crazy, as well as myself crazy. Then on Valentine's Day I got to go visit him. He had come home for Christmas, and so it wasn't that long of a wait til February. Plus, the school let me have the days off, and miss school because they counted it as a military absence...my teachers were great about that, and did me a huge favor! 
That was a great visit, the initial freedoms had run their course and Zach was more of a home body now, but took me out for the weekend and we had a blast! Then in March he got his orders to be stationed at his first command...New Orleans! Only 8 hours away, how convenient!! So after finals, he came to Texas and we got engaged!! And I told him I would come visit him in July, half way between our engagement and our wedding! Everything was finally happening, and things were moving so fast!! And in the time he was in A-school, I had gone back to school, gotten a raise for the summer, lost 40 pounds...I had gained all of my independence back in those few short months. I ended up making all A's that semester, which I hadn't done since high school, and was so proud of myself. I was finally starting to get my life back on track...and then I'm engaged and moving two days after the wedding. I figured I could go to school once we got settled in, even though it was at the beginning of the fall semester right after that. I was so caught up in wedding planning and packing, I forgot to apply here for school. But that was ok, I would pick up school in the fall and everything would be ok, my life would still be going on the right track. 
Then we found out we were pregnant! It came as a total surprise and shock to us, I had been told by doctors I wouldn't be able to have babies; we couldn't have been happier!! So now I'm recently married and moved to a new state, and now I'm pregnant...it made it so hard to feel settled about everything. I had always thought I would be raising my adopted kids around my family, and everyone would help out and be together. We were newlyweds and we couldn't go out and party it up and enjoy the 'just us' part as much as I would have liked. But now the 'just us' part was making a home and going to movies, doing as much date nights as we could before the baby came. But when Zach went to work I was left at home, watching SVU on Netflix. I had applied at several places on base, but was passed up for families moving here and already being in the military for a while, so I got a job at the Farmer's Market down the road. I was able to walk to work every day and it was the perfect job for me...until I became too pregnant and wasn't able to do the heavy lifting required for the citrus season; I was let go. But I tried to work on the house and get things ready for the baby, planning the showers and trying to meet people. The end of the pregnancy I got an aggravated nerve and was in horrible, stabbing pain in my ribs, I wasn't cool to be around. I was uncomfortable and not getting sleep, so the grouchy me wasn't meeting people or making friends. 
Then before we knew it Haiden Eli was here, and then we were the new parents, who still couldn't go out and do anything. Our mom's came to help out and Morgan came up for the birth. Kelsie passed threw town and met Haiden when he was 2 months old. But we still hadn't been able to go home and have everyone meet him. And I was still pretty friendless, with swollen tatas, pumping every two hours and then feeding Haiden for 30 minutes...it was not pretty. And I was so emotional, and I had a baby who was hungry all the time, I couldn't leave the house for more than an hour before I'd have to pump again. And my body had undergone all these yucky and giggly changes...I realized I no longer felt like that Holland as of a year ago. And it wasn't that I wasn't blessed to have a wonderful family and the opportunity to live in a cool city...I just felt like blah. My family wasn't here, my body was gone, Zach worked all the time, my friends had their own lives back in Texas, no one was my friend here, and half the time I was covered in poop or milk...at least that's what I thought I smelled like. It was all really overwhelming when I had five minutes to myself and would think about everything. 
Just within the last month or so, I have finally started to feel like that old me, granted a bit gigglier and different but still on my way to the old me. I now have a job where I can work from home. I volunteer at the school, and am in charge of the Book Fair decorations. I have an amazingly beautiful son, as if you guys haven't noticed! My husband is working so hard all the time, I couldn't be prouder of the man he is today. I go to the gym, walk, joined a few classes, and am eating healthy. And I think we are all doing pretty well, considering all that has happened the over the last year and a half. 
Engaged, baby, married, death, cancer, moving, loss, gain, new family members, nephew, mother, promotions, new job...and the list goes on. 
For anyone wanting the fast track, think again! I'm not saying people can't do it, but it sure does a number on your psyche. Hopefully the next go 'round will be easier since we will sort of know what's coming. And I am so thankful, for all my friends and even those in the social networks that have helped me with words of encouragement and advice. I know I never lost myself, I just felt...hmmm...overshadowed almost. As if I was still there, but everything going on around me, piled up around me so that when I looked out that was all I saw, instead of me. And I have finally realized how important keeping me in sight is the best thing for everyone.